Learning to walk under the weight of ministry’s many hats.
After years working as a teacher, my wife, Lisa, went back to graduate school to become a therapist. Our church had long advocated for mental health assistance and maintained a referral list for congregants who needed professional counseling. We had even developed a generous scholarship to offset counseling fees. So when Lisa set up her new practice, I was excited to recommend several of our congregants to her care.
Lisa quickly objected to being placed on our referral list. “I’ll likely not see most people from our church. I won’t wear more than one hat with anyone. It is unethical.”
I was surprised, but she explained, “I can’t be a pastor’s wife and a counselor, a fellow worshiper and a therapist.”
Counseling students study the ethics of dual relationships. They are taught to wear only one relational hat with a client and to practice extreme caution in interactions outside their sessions—even on social media. On the rare occasion when a therapist must wear two hats with a client, the counselor is trained to pay careful attention to how the other interactions influence the therapeutic relationship.
Lisa’s caution about counseling our church members clarified something I’d been wrestling with for years. Pastors wear many relational hats with our congregants. It’s an inevitable vocational reality. Most other vocations require only a single relationship: You visit your doctor for medical help, your mechanic to repair your car, your therapist for emotional help. But because church ministry is multilayered, pastors must fill multiple roles to be effective. This relational complexity is a unique challenge in ministry.
A wearying weight
Sometimes these overlapping …